Things to say or not to say when someone is grieving?

 

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

I was chatting with a friend about a blog I had written on grief. She told me that someone she knew well had recently suffered a tragic bereavement. She was close to this person but admitted that she did not to know what to say to her and found the situation incredibly difficult. My friend is a brilliant natural communicator who is normally the sort of person who is able to say the right thing, but more importantly she is a kind and empathetic. Her personal struggle of not knowing what to say in this situation made me think “well if she is finding this difficult there must be many more.”

Grief commentators frequently talk about the importance of the words we use. Knowing what we should and shouldn’t say to the bereaved. I am not a grief expert but from my own experiences here is what I have learned.

These, though well intentioned are not the most helpful of responses:

You’ll get over it.

Time heals all wounds.

He suffered so much it was the right time.

How old are your parents? Oh, well they had a good innings.

I know how you feel.

What might be more helpful:

I am really sorry to hear about your Mother’s death.

I don’t know what to say but I am so sorry to hear this news.

I cannot imagine the pain that you are going through.

I would like to come and see you.

How are you now?

Be specific offer to do some chores for them.

Take a meal round.

Can I do some shopping for you?

I can walk the dog anytime between 9 and 11?

What’s the difference?

The first group are sympathetic, but for me the phrases don’t acknowledge the situation right now, they are either looking to solve, or are thinking of their own experiences, or looking out to the future. Though well intentioned they are not being empathetic.  The second set are acknowledging what the person is going through right now, being able to sit with the situation exactly as it is without judgements, without qualification. This is empathy.